


Cats Don't Drink Coffee

by skripka



Category: NCIS
Genre: CRACK of the Crackiest sort, Gen, Shippy if you Squint, Were-Creatures, also inspired by other were-cat fic, brief nudity, but you don't need to squint too hard, inspired by were-bunny fic, oh no naked people, were-cat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-29 16:49:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19023970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skripka/pseuds/skripka
Summary: That's kinda sweet, boss.





	Cats Don't Drink Coffee

**Author's Note:**

  * For [blueraccoon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueraccoon/gifts).



"Gibbs!"

"I'm sorry, Abby, but rules are rules. After Ari, nobody's taking any chances, and nobody's going home alone tonight. Ziva is protecting you."

Abby made a disgusted face. "Does it have to be her?"

Gibbs sighed. He'd known the antagonism between those two would become an issue at some point. "You'd rather have McGee?"

Hands behind her back, Abby looked hopeful as she scuffed her boot on the floor. "Rather have you."

He had to fight a completely inappropriate surge of... something...before shaking his head. "Not going to happen. I'll send DiNozzo with you, McGee with Ducky, and Ziva with Palmer. Does that meet with your approval, Abs?"

Abby shrugged and smiled for a moment. "Tony's cool." After a bit of consideration, she frowned. "What about you?"

"What about me?"

She rolled her eyes. "Who're you going with? Anyone watching your six?"

Gibbs turned to the lab door. "You really think I need a protection detail?"

* * *

There was nothing like alone time with a cup of coffee, an adze, and a boat in a room with the sawdust thick on the floor. Gibbs leaned into the board, smoothing the wood with ease born of long practice. A curl fluttered to the floor and he smiled.

Next best thing to heaven.

He brushed a bit of dust away fondly before taking his mug in hand. Gibbs took a long drag of cold and sawdusty coffee and grimaced. Time for a refill.

He started up the stairs just as the phone rang. The answering machine picked up on the first ring. "Gibbs. Speak," it crackled. Gibbs didn't stop until he was nearly at the door and recognized Tony's panicked voice.

"Boss? Boss, you've gotta be there. It's not an emergency... Just...," There was a strangled grunt of annoyance. Gibbs groaned and turned back downstairs. Tony didn't get panicky and annoyed for no reason. He picked up the phone in the middle of Tony's tirade.

"...gone. I've looked every... oh. Boss?"

Gibbs sighed. "It's Abby?" Damn it. She was just like a cat--prone to mischief when bored or annoyed. And there was no telling what had set her off this time.

Tony had the grace to sound contrite. "I'm sorry, Boss. One minute I was in the kitchen getting coffee, she was on the sofa, dozing through 'Galaxy Quest,' I thought. The next..."

Gibbs stopped Tony before he could go on. "You checked the doors and windows?"

"Yeah. Everything locked from inside. Then the closets, the cupboards, under the furniture. She's not gone, just...hiding."

Gibbs looked regretfully at his poor boat. There went his night alone. "Pack her some stuff. I left a carrier in her hall closet last time for emergencies. Tell her you're both coming over here."

Tony did a good job of sounding dubious. "She'll get in a little box?" There was some rummaging on the line.

"She will if you tell her where you're going."

"Um. Boss..." Tony's voice dropped to a conspiratorial whisper. "What if I just told her..."

"Better not even think that, DiNozzo. Even in cat form, she's still Abby. Once she figures out she's been lied to, you can expect some nasty treatment in return."

He had to chuckle as that processed through Tony's ears. "Oh. Okay. I've got the carrier now. I'm going to hang up and get everything together. See you in thirty, Boss."

* * *

Exactly thirty-two minutes later, Tony opened Gibbs' front door, juggling two bags and a very upset-looking Abbycat in her carrier. "You're late, DiNozzo. And what did you do to her?" Gibbs took the carrier, and examined the cat, whose eyes were dilated in terror.

"'Thank you, DiNozzo, for bringing a were-cat, who, oh, by the way, happens to be your favorite sexy forensics expert, all the way over to the other side of the city in the pouring rain. Oh, and did I mention, said cat hates the actual driving part?'" Tony shifted uncomfortably, re-distributing the bags in his hands. Gibbs put the cat down gently, stood up straight, and smiled at Tony, who looked worriedly back.

Then Gibbs smacked the back of Tony's head. Tony yelped and rubbed the spot. "Get over it. She's your charge. You'd rather I put you with Ducky?"

Tony grimaced and shuddered. "No, Boss. Thank you, Boss." He flashed his trademark grin at Gibbs. "Did I ever mention I was more of a cat person?"

Gibbs grunted and squatted down to examine the cat. "No, DiNozzo. I'll put it in your report," he muttered absently. At least the cat seemed calmer, if not peaceful. "Go ahead and put her stuff in the spare bedroom. I've got coffee in the kitchen when you're done."

He registered Tony's nod and felt him walk by before poking a finger through the grid in the box. A white-tipped paw batted at his finger. "You are in a lot of trouble, missy." A chirrup was his only answer.

Creaking to his feet, he turned and saw Tony standing behind him, holding back a smirk. Gibbs grunted. Just his luck. "Out with it, DiNozzo."

"That's kinda sweet, Boss." Tony wasn't bothering trying to hold back the smirk anymore. Gibbs snarled at him. "Coffee. Right." Tony quickly made the right turn into the kitchen.

Gibbs picked the carrier up and brought it into the living room, setting it on the coffee table. "Maybe the smell of coffee will change you back." The cat just washed her ears. Tony came into the room, two mugs of coffee in his hand.

"Here you go, Boss. One full-strength sludge for you and one hazlenut, lightly white for m..." Gibbs took both from a startled Tony and put the adulterated mug in front of Abby's box. "...for the cat. Right. Be right back." Gibbs smiled at the cat for a moment as he took a long drink of blessed nectar. 

The cat's nose twitched, and she moved to the front of the cage. "Cats don't drink coffee, even fussy stuff like DiNozzo likes. You going to change back?"

Tony returned, a third mug in his hand, which he sipped thoughtfully as he leaned over the back of Gibbs' couch. "Um. Boss?"

Gibbs twisted to give DiNozzo the look. "What? And don't you dare spill coffee on my sofa."

"Why not? You do it all the time."

"Because you're sleeping here is why not." Tony grimaced, shrugged, and gestured to the carrier.

"You know that Abby... real Abby, that is, not Abbycat... isn't going to fit in that box."

Gibbs just glared at Tony. Tony just shrugged again. "I'm just saying, you're going to have to let her out if you don't want to keep her as a cat."

Gibbs grunted. "Check the basement door. DiNozzo. Don't want to lose her down there."

"Got it, Boss." Tony shoved off the sofa and went behind the staircase to check the door.

"You are almost more trouble than you're worth, girl," Gibbs muttered as he undid the latch. Abby stretched lazily and sniffed at her coffee on her way out of the carrier. She made a feline moue of disgust before leaping lightly to the sofa, where she curled into a little ball next to Gibbs' hip.

He sighed and stroked her head. Abby started purring, loud enough that he could feel it in his leg. Tony came back, sat at the opposite end of the sofa, and sprawled.

Tony grinned. "I take it back."

GIbbs raised an eyebrow in question. He paused in his stroking for just a second, and got a claw-prick for his trouble. Oh, he was going to get Abby for this. "What is it, DiNozzo?" he asked, irritated.

"Watching you pet her... now that's sweet."

Gibbs snarled in reply. "You want to tell me exactly what happened at Abby's tonight, DiNozzo?"

Tony straightened up. "Well, we were watching 'Galaxy Quest'. And there's a scene where they're just about to go through a mine field, right?" Gibbs just nodded. One word in seven was pretty good odds when talking about movies with DiNozzo. "Well, Abby turned to me and asked, 'Do you think it's right that Gibbs is all by himself?'"

"And?"

Tony shrugged. "I told her, if any one of us could handle themselves alone, it'd be you. No two-bit serial killer would get you in your own home and escape alive."

Gibbs found himself a bit pleased with Tony's assessment. "Then she turned into a cat?"

Shaking his head, Tony continued. "Not yet. First we watched a bit more. Then we got to the place where the captain of the alien ship is tortured to death, and I needed more coffee. So I went to the kitchen."

"And you came back, and she was playing her game." Gibbs sighed. "Silly girl. I don't need looking after." He tweaked an ear, and the cat glared at him. Unfortunately for her, she was nearly upside down and the effect was comical. "You can take first watch."

Tony was surprised by that, Gibbs could tell. "Just because you're here doesn't mean the watch is over, DiNozzo. As a matter of fact, with the three of us, we're in more danger."

Tony nodded and sighed. "What do I do with Abby?"

"When you come to, wake me, put her in the spare room and close the door. Tightly." Gibbs tensed at the recollection. "Let's just say I don't relish the idea of waking up next to ..." Tony's eyes were wide as he realized what Gibbs was about to say. "Never mind." Gibbs grunted and attempted to stand.

Then he yelped. Abby... the cat had sat up and dug her claws in, hard. Gibbs sat back down and had to bite back the urge to pick her up and shake her. She glared back, tail twitching "What the hell?"

Tony saved his own life by looking concerned rather than amused. "Guess she wants you to stay, Boss. Need a bandaid or something?"

"I'll be fine." GIbbs glared at the cat. "I can't believe I'm letting you dictate watches now." He looked at Tony. "You've got the spare room, DiNozzo."

Tony nodded, but when he got up to leave, Abby began yowling and crying piteously until Tony sat down again. She sighed in contentment before  
standing, walking over to Tony's hand and bumping it happily.

Tony looked at Gibbs, bemused. "Um. Boss."

Gibbs sighed. "I guess she wants both of us." Tony scratched Abby's ears briefly before nodding in agreement.

Gibbs rolled his neck and let it crack. "You've got coffee duty." Tony nodded again.

"No problema."

Abby chirruped, then settled into a regal position between the two men. They both watched her for a few minutes before Tony spoke up again.

"I just realized something, Boss." Gibbs grunted, and reached out to pet Abby's sleek fur. She purred, and rubbed against his hand happily. "Even if you had locked the door to the spare room, couldn't Abby change to human, unlock it, and have free rein of the house?"

* * *

The tinny ring of his cell phone woke Gibbs. He squeezed his eyes before opening them again and fumbling for the phone.

As the world gradually came into focus, he noticed two things. First, Abby was Abby, no longer feline. Secondly, she was naked and curled up under his left arm, as comfortable as he had ever seen her, and that included the other mornings she had woken up in his bed... Gibbs swallowed and opened his phone with his right hand. "Gibbs." 

His neck ached like he had slept on his sofa. "Boss? It's McGee." More of the world came into focus. Tony was fast asleep, of course, his newest cup of coffee untouched on the table beside Abby's reject. What was worse, though, was Tony's head pillowed on Abby's thigh. Gibbs wasn't sure if he was horrified or jealous, but knew he needed coffee before making any decisions.

"What is it, McGee?" Gibbs knew he was being gruff, and wasting his bad mood on McGee, who, as far as he could tell, hadn't screwed up yet this morning.

"We got him!" Okay, that was one point against McGee already. Nobody needed to be that cheerful in the morning, even if the news was good.

"We, McGee? Does that mean you?" Gibbs extricated himself slowly and reluctantly from Abby's embrace.

"Uh, not quite, Boss."

Gibbs groaned and stood up, stretching and creaking. "Report, damn it, McGee."

"Uh, so it seems one of the other teams got the bastard. I just got a phone call from Stevenson." Gibbs grunted. Figured. The murderer was targeting NCIS agents, not their team in particular.

"Good job, anyway, McGee. I'll see you in..." Gibbs squinted at the mantel clock. "Three hours."

"Yes, Boss. Should I call Tony and Ziva?" Gibbs turned to his sofa, where Tony was sitting up, rubbing his hair, and Abby was sitting primly, arms curled around her knees. Gibbs looked away quickly.

"I'll take care of DiNozzo. You call David."

"Got it, Boss." McGee hung up. Gibbs turned back to the sofa. Tony had a sleepy smirk on his face and Abby was nearly pouting. The two of them spoke at the same time.

"Everything good, Boss?"

"Can we go back to sleep now?"

Gibbs took a deep breath before answering. "Yes and no. The watch is over and I need coffee. Abby, you need clothes, and Tony, you need to stop looking like the cat that got into the cream." Gibbs realized his unfortunate choice of words half a second too late, when Abby started snickering and Tony started laughing.

"I think you got it backwards, Boss. Abby's the cat and I'm...Ow!"

Gibbs smiled grimly on the way to the kitchen and rubbed his smarting hand against his pants. That had been worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> This is all blueraccoon's fault. Sequel(ish) to Black & White & Trouble All Over, which was zortified's fault and partially inspired by Issums Bunny, and which, I suppose, makes mine a tribute as well. And, therefore, not my fault in the least bit. As a matter of fact, I'm not even sure I wrote this.
> 
>  
> 
> _from blueraccoon: she lies! she wrote this and I was there when she did._
> 
>  
> 
> From Livejournal.


End file.
